Today, my colleague went into labor (a week early, with her first - which is a good thing, as I understand it. I've been saying "as I understand it" a lot today). I was shocked to found that I was a bit excited to hear that the baby was coming. It's a huge change in her life, and she's been really exhausted and uncomfortable the last several weeks. (She even sent several of us an email from the hospital. Funny girl.)
Another colleague (not in my immediate office), who spearheaded the baby shower planning in which I participated, and who had her first about a year ago, sent an electronic invitation for us all to visit the hospital (very near the office) tomorrow at lunch. I thought carefully about whether I should go. I ultimately realized that dealing with several women going on about her labor was not going to work well, though I might be able to deal with her solo. But it's been a long time since I've visited a new mother in the hospital...before I was married, I think.
Anyway, I went into the other colleague's office to let her know why I hadn't responded. She'd been driving me a little nuts with the "if you have kids" stuff. So I said, "Here's the deal. I can't have kids. So I try to figure out what I can do graciously, as a mental health matter. I think dealing with several people at once might not work." And she said - "I'M SORRY." And asked me whether I had thought about adoption (not "you should just adopt"), and I said we were thinking about it, but weren't sure it was for us. And she didn't argue. And she asked whether there was any chance at all (I get told sometimes that I'm young so there is a chance, but I've never been asked that). I dropped a lot of information on her. I always say that only one thing is required: "I'm sorry." And that's what she said. God bless her.
The senile old bats who are selling (or not selling, as the case may be) the house I want to buy are still being ridiculous - or, perhaps, are becoming more ridiculous. Their ad has now been modified very slightly, to note that "sellers are firm on price." Yeah...they were firm about it for 18 months while it was on the market before, too, when it was likewise priced above market value. See how that worked out for them. I think I may be about to settle in for a long (or short) wait for them to die. Not how I intended to acquire real estate, but life is full of surprises.
I have not been specially good about my daily Scripture reading, but I've done a bit...the other night I was reading one of the minor prophets and the passage was about the Israelites' 40 years in the desert, wandering. They were and are repeatedly rebuked for having forgotten God's miracles (almost two generations ago by the end of their wandering) parting the Red Sea and saving them from the Egyptians. As they wandered, they despaired, and mistrusted God, sometimes setting up graven images as idols in His stead. I never thought too intently about that part of the Bible. But I'm thinking about it now. I identify with the Israelites. Setting up idols is just bad behavior - not acceptable. But mistrusting God? How long is it supposed to sustain you, the fact that God saved you dramatically before - maybe not even in your own lifetime? When He has left you homeless, defenseless, and purposeless in the desert for decades, possibly forever? It's not a matter of believing that God isn't God or isn't powerful or that He can't help you - your experience tells you that He could help you, but now can't be bothered. Obviously, I can identify with that...
I got a pile of library books on Saturday (and consequently have not really been sleeping at night since...need to get that under control). One of these was What to Expect When You're Experiencing Infertility. It's brilliant - brilliant. What I've been looking for in all my library sojourns - a book just about the psychological experience of being infertile and in treatment, not about how to seek treatment or how you probably will get pregnant (maybe - maybe not. So quit predicting my medical outcomes, authors). It starts with a chapter about the emotional experience of IF, broken out from the male and female perspectives. I'm going to have my husband read it, and then we're going to discuss it. I feel like it's a huge thing that's been missing - neither of us really understands the other's reactions, and we need to.
Still working on the position teaching law in the evenings. I have gotten approval from our ethics people (whew!). Now I need to finish processing my second writing sample - this won't even take an hour; I've already got my resume, first writing sample, and cover letter done. Might even have it in tomorrow. I have butterflies thinking about it. A new step...?
Also on the subject of scriptural reflections...tripped over something about home/houses/Jerusalem/something when reading recently and had a thought that something to do with houses is maybe not just my private obsession borne of my experiences and psychoses, but part of something I'm supposed to do with my life. Not in a way I've worked out yet, but I'm mulling it over, slowly, waiting for the thoughts to crystallize. (I could always come up with a way to fit it all together that sounds theologically sound, but I feel as though if I force that sort of theory, I'll lose sight of whatever as-yet-fainter message I'm supposed to be listening to. Maybe something is out there...)
Saw Father again Friday. It was good to talk to him; but nothing earth-shattering. I might have a few thoughts to share after I mull it over...in the meantime, I am wondering how to thank a good priest who has volunteered out of the goodness of his heart to be a spiritual director for an insane stranger. Donation to his favorite charity? Research what sort of item his parish could use? What would be appropriate?
