Wings

Gabriel Garcia Marquez's story "A Very Old Man With Enormous Wings" has been wandering through my mind lately, probably because his autobiography, Living to Tell the Tale, has been sitting next to my bed. When I go to bed at a decent hour (not that that happens), I read a little bit. It's amazingly written - sounds so much like his fiction that I didn't realize it wasn't a story at first. It did start to occur to me that the narrator's life sounded as if it must have been similar to the author's, and then I read the inside panel, and, sure enough, it wasn't fiction at all.

Anyway, the story is just a little long for a blog post, so I've linked to it above instead of including its text, but it's not too long to read if you have just a few minutes. And it's something special.

I did have a reason for thinking that the story belongs in the IF world. Marquez's special style of writing has been called "magical realism" - you'll see that immediately when you read the story. He's talking about the non-natural but in an extraordinarily matter-of-fact way. I'm not sure it's entirely a "style," though - I'm inclined to think he, as a person, just saw the world differently than other people. And I also think "magical" might be just a tad off. Angels are supernatural, but they're spiritual, not magical.

It seems as though Marquez, with his special sight, saw the invisible spiritual around him so clearly that it just wove into the fabric of his reality, not disturbing, or disturbed by, the fact that the latter was gritty and broken and sometimes sad. And so you have a great creature with enormous wings and miraculous powers and rheumatic lungs and a bit of senility and a bald head.

And that's a little like us, isn't it? Motherhood is elementary nature, and science on which every medical school student is tested, but it's also miraculous and mysterious and strange. And since the miracle part generally happens spontaneously, without heavenly lights and the rending of the earth, or talismans or spells or prayer, people wandering the gritty streets forget that it's miraculous at all. For us, though, it does require prayer, and maybe heavenly lights too; like Marquez, we see what's invisible to others, because our waiting and suffering have opened our eyes. And maybe a little like the angel - not serene and celestial and pristine, with shining eyes and quiet harp-playing; we're broken and battered, maybe a little beyond the ordinary years for our walk of life, and possibly going just a little crazy.

But that doesn't mean we don't have wings; and when the world isn't looking, our feathers will grow in, and someday, perhaps with an unseen, uncomprehending audience, we'll flap lamely away into the distance and across the sea.

THE KILLERS


Tonight was the night that I finally understood how those 13 year old girls felt when The Beatles appeared on the Ed Sullivan show. You have seen the footage of the screaming and the tears and the hyperventilating. I will admit when THE KILLERS first took the stage some tears were shed, they were mostly just hormonal, but I was truly overwrought with excitement. But let me start from the beginning. As we approached the Patriot Center I spotted the Band's buses parked in the back. Of course, I made Scott take a detour so that we could scope out the buses. I got as close as possible when a friendly security guard gave me the smile and wave look that said not one more step. So, I headed back up the hill when I noticed a white hand sticking out of one of the windows. I crept back down the icy hill towards the buses to take a closer look and their he was Brandon himself (the lead singer). He flicked his hand in my direction, either waving at me or getting something nasty off his fingers but either way I was pumped. It was awesome! I snapped some pictures that didn't turn out before the security guard gave me a less friendly look and I scurried back up the hill.
Luckily, we arrived very early to the concert because when I am nervous and excited I tend to have to use the bathroom a lot, okay a total of 5 times in the hour prior to the concert. Afraid to miss anything I hurried a bit too much on one of these trips and dropped my ticket into the toilet and then tore my pants. No harm done, I gladly fished the ticket out of the toilet and pulled my shirt a little further down over my torn pants-it's dark at concerts anyway, right? Fortunately most of my normal body functions shut down due to overwhelming enthusiasm during the actual concert, so I was able to see it without any annoying interruptions.

The concert was incredible. The guys sounded amazing. They sang for two solid hours. We had front row seats and we were perched right next to where the band approached and entered the stage so we could see them before anyone else. That made me feel very special! I screamed and jumped, and danced really badly, and sang as loud as I could. I have no doubt that the evening was very unpleasant for those sitting near me, but this was my most anticipated night and I didn't really care! We were so close I am almost positive that Brandon and I made eye contact several times. Although he might have wanted to keep an eye on me because he saw me lurking around his tour bus earlier in the evening. Anyway, it was a great night only nearly marred by some psycho who jumped on the stage and had to be manhandled off again. I know what you are thinking, but it wasn't me.
This evening was probably as close as I will ever get to the stage of my ROCK STAR dreams, but for now I am satisfied. Goodbye for tonight, I must run and repent of my idol worshipping ways.

Wally and the Beav's Snow Day!




It finally came! After a super cold, super dry winter, we finally got our first snow yesterday and because I wasn't forced to drive in it, I thought it was beautiful. The boys were very excited and we had great fun playing in the snow all afternoon. Unfortunately, all of our attempts at making a snowman were thwarted by Naughty Nash. We would begin and he would rush over to kick it and yell, "timber!" The snow combined with Winter X games made me homesick for Colorado and rekindled that ski fever in me. I can't wait until Atley and Nash are old enough to hit the slopes!

O Magical Day!

So today is not a show and tell day but I am showing, also telling, anyway. So there.

This is what my house looked like this morning as I headed to work.


I had to turn around and get a picture of it (with my camera phone - and not half bad for that) because I was so excited. It had snowed, and it had stuck, and it was snowing, and it is still snowing at 1:24PM as I write this. This is therefore the first real snowfall of the year here in my transplant home south of the Mason-Dixon line, because each previous so-called snowfall lasted no more than ten minutes and left not a single flake on the ground. Whereas this is pure magic. Not deep snow but, as you see, white. My husband is taking a walk with me tonight whether he wants to or not.

Though this may sound counter-intuitive, increasing my enjoyment of the (legitimately) wintry weather is the fact that I have a head cold. Not bad, just enough to make me slightly stuffy, slightly foggy, and perpetually warm and faintly feverish. This is perfect for enjoying the joys of snuggling under blankets and for paying attention to the beautiful snow and little else. Also, last night, I dragged myself off the warm spot on the couch, though I thought I had not the energy to stand, and dragged myself into the kitchen. When I got there, I discovered that I did, in fact, have some energy, enough to strain a great pot of homemade chicken broth, freeze a decent quantity, and cut up the remaining chicken and package it separately so that in my refrigerator I have the easy first steps to a delicious large batch of creamy chicken and wild rice soup, which I will make in a few days. Then I discovered the FURTHER energy to make beef lentil soup from scratch (yes, you read that correctly. I finished just before ten. Thank you, thank you). It was a first try, so my ingredients need a few slight tweaks (more raw garlic; cracked pepper instead of ground; some fresh ginger; no celery seed; more beef, more bacon, no sausage; spinach instead of broccoli). And then, as a reward for my bravery, I made myself a mug of hot cocoa, also from scratch, on the stovetop. I cannot say how much better it tastes if you make it from milk, cocoa, sugar, and real vanilla,* and it makes the whole kitchen smell just delicious. I need to buy one of those whipped-topping-in-a-can-but-made-from-real-cream things and keep it on hand at all times. There could be emergencies.

Unfortunately, after all this exhasting labor, I fell asleep on the couch at about 10:30. I only shaved one comment off my backlog (though I just finished everything for today!), so the deficit now stands at 16. But I am going to clear the whole thing by tomorrow, maybe even make EXTRA comments. You watch me.

Oh yes, and next I am making roast. With asparagus, and acorn squash and cheddar casserole. And apple pie. (That's all tomorrow, don't worry. Tonight is the grocery shopping, the walk, and the comments.)

In case it isn't entirely obvious, I am explaining all this in such excruciating detail because the enormous coziness of my real-winter activities needs to be shared with the world. What could improve upon such pursuits? Actually, apple cider might improve them slightly. I'll look for some of that too. Oh, and, if my near-terminal coziness holds any fascination for others, I will share recipes. But I am not going to bore the (tiny segment of the) world (that reads these remarks) with them without at least some provocation.


*For the hardened of temperament, kahlua, creme de menthe, or orange liqueur are also sound cocoa-fortification options.

Bad Combinations

What do you get when you cross Nash with the following items?
The dryer and...
crayons?
Ruined Sunday Clothes and Underwear!

The central vacuum outlet and...
Atley's Matchbox Cars...


A very angry big brother because at least 10 of his cars have now disappeared into the vacuum abyss never to be seen again!

(Atley was too angry and bitter to be photographed in his rage)



Recently

So, I have been very neglectful of my blogging responsibilities. I missed making comments on Thursday AND Saturday AND Sunday (well, I did extra responsive comments already, so I'm only down a total of 17). I will get my comments in today and before bedtime my deficit will be down to six, I swear.

I have a good reason, though. My best girlfriend of fourteen years just moved, so I spent the weekend packing and moving boxes. I got home at a decent hour both nights but I was just so tired. So I'm behind, but I haven't been neglectful in life in general. Also, I got an awesome upper- and lower-body workout. So I ate half a package of double-stuff Oreos...so what? I'm still being virtuous.

Since this is something of an omnibus post, I will also note that I am coming by degrees to the decision that I should do some research on what different cycle patterns and symptoms mean (working just from the little information doctors have the time and patience to give out is less than helpful. I'd like to understand thoroughly what's going on). If anyone knows of a medical textbook or some sort of encyclopedic guide to the hidden secrets of heavy flow, spotting, cycle length change, and all that nonsense, feel free to recommend. Bonus if it's available used on Amazon!

I further note that this is part of my returning-to-treatment phase. I'm starting to realize that a lot of the reason for my rage is because I'm naturally kind of a controlling person and the IF means that one of my highest priorities in life is out of my hands and maybe even out of reach. I feel completely helpless. Thus, even the tiniest threats or inconveniences in my life prompt, well, rage. If I start to learn more deeply what's going on, maybe I can demystify my illness, be less dependent for information on my doctor - possibly even anticipate bad news. And have some feeling that lifestyle changes (diet, exercise, whatever), are rational and take-charge, not just childlike superstition that slavishly obeying apparently crackpot advice has some talismanic, rather than scientific, power to get me a baby. (Or several babies.) That would be better.

Finally, and perhaps most pressingly, I really like Cheetos (the brand isn't important, really, but they have to be crunchy), and I just had a (snack sized!) bag, and I want another. Right now.

What's Your Word?

ButterflyAnla shared this on her blog.

What's Your Word?

Your Word is "Hope"

You see life as an opportunity for learning, growth, and bringing out the best in others. No matter how bad things get, you always have at least a glimmer of optimism. You are accepting and forgiving. You encourage those who have wronged you to turn over a new leaf. And while there is a lot of ugliness in the world, you believe that almost no one is beyond redemption.
I answered all the questions honestly, but really, I don't think that's me. I think it could be...and probably should be...and maybe it will be. Maybe soon.

I have tried recently to make some small improvements. YESTERDAY, I ran into my one IRL friend who's also IF. She's been much more aggressive about pursuing treatment and has already secured an appointment with a specialist who's highly in demand. I've realized that after I stopped getting upset each time I lost the who'll-get-pregnant-first contest, I started getting annoyed if IRL IF folk who'd been TTC longer got into treatment sooner. (Even though I decided I was on a break. Yes, that's crazy.) So it's not easy to listen, but I just asked her as many questions as I could and really listened to the answers. Forging connections with other IF people. Not easy, but maybe worth it.

Another thing I'm going to do is work on listening to others more intently in general. Let them talk; ask follow-up questions; care and inquire sincerely. I've found I'm happier caring more about someone else than desperately competing for an audience myself. But competing for airtime is a hard habit to break.

After I master this, I'm going to stop being a shrew to my husband...no, really. I am.

Welcome ICLW: the OUTFIT CONTEST

So now that I've basically confessed my great devotion to the Manolo websites, I figured I might as well go whole hog and shamelessly plagiarize one of the most entertaining (and, apparently, now extinct) Manolo institutions, the Build-the-Outfit contests. The idea is, he picks an insane pair of shoes. Then, you have to build an outfit to go with said pair of shoes. He picks his favorite. The best iteration of the contest had a price limit, which I'm going to adopt. We'll say someone gave you the shoes as a Christmas present; they're free. You have $200 to spend on the rest of the outfit. After the practice of another manolosphere blog, teeny manolo (but we're not going to discuss that now), I will give a symbolic (not tangible) gift to the winner.

I don't think you can post images in the comments on blogger, so just post links to the images or the pages that host them. They have to be items you find for sale on the internet - items you own do not count. Also, I do understand that part of the fun of the Manolo contest was his position as a fashion critic. Not so moi. I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about that.

One more administrative issue: I know I don't have the following for a full-blown contest. But I want one, so I'm going to hold it anyway. I will hold it open until, let's say, Valentine's Day at midnight, and if there are no contestants by then, I will win (I'll make an entry, just to be fair).

And, without further ado...the shoes! It is the Puma Alto Boot! The suede version comes in several colors - basic tan, ice blue, and even a crazy jewel blue. There may be other colors, but these babies are hard to track down.



There's also a futuristic synthetic version, here in black.






















The "Mostro Alto" was also created, in an ultra-limited edition. Seen on a few starlets, this pair is among only 170 that were sold.



100 Things

Got this from Megan at INfertile Myrtle. Feel free to post your own copy of the list (and please let me know in the comments if you do, so I can check yours out!) - you just bold-face the items on the list you've accomplished.

(Possibly coming soon: things I, an infertile misfit, would like to do before I die.)

1. Started your own blog.
2. Slept under the stars.
3. Played in a band.
4. Visited Hawaii.
5. Watched a meteor shower.
6. Given more than you can afford to charity.
7. Been to Disneyland.
8. Climbed a mountain.
9. Held a praying mantis.
10. Sang a solo.
11. Bungee jumped.
12. Visited Paris.
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea.
14. Taught yourself an art from scratch.
15. Adopted a child.
16. Had food poisoning.
17. Walked to the top of the Statue of Liberty.
18. Grown your own vegetables.
19. Seen the Mona Lisa in France.
20. Slept on an overnight train.
21. Had a pillow fight.
22. Hitch hiked.
23. Taken a sick day when you're not sick.
24. Built a snow fort.
25. Held a lamb.
26. Gone skinny-dipping.
27. Run a marathon.
28. Ridden in a gondola in Venice.
29. Seen a total eclipse.
30. Watched a sunrise or sunset.
31. Hit a home run.
32. Been on a cruise.
33. Seen Niagara Falls in person.
34. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors.
35. Seen and Amish community.
36. Taught yourself a new language.
37. Had enough money to truly be satisfied.
38. Seen the leaning tower of Pisa in person.
39. Gone rock climbing.
40. Seen Michelangelo's David.
41. Sung karaoke.
42. Seen Old Faithful geyser erupt.
43. Bought a stranger a meal at a restaurant.
44. Visited Africa.
45. Walked on a beach by moonlight.
46. Been transported in an ambulance.
47. Had your portrait painted.
48. Gone deep sea fishing.
49. Seen the Sistine Chapel in person.
50. Been to the top of the Eiffel Tower in Paris.
51. Gone scuba diving or snorkeling.
52. Kissed in the rain.
53. Played in the mud.
54. Gone to a drive-in theater.
55. Been in a movie.
56. Visited the Great Wall of China.
57. Started a business.
58. Taken a martial arts class.
59. Visited Russia.
60. Served in a soup kitchen.
61. Sold Girl Scout cookies.
62. Gone whale watching.
63. Gotten flowers for no reason.
64. Donated blood, platelets, or plasma.
65. Gone sky diving.
66. Visited a Nazi concentration camp.
67. Bounced a check.
68. Flown in a helicopter.
69. Saved a favorite childhood toy.
70. Visited the Lincoln Memorial.
71. Eaten caviar.
72. Pieced a quilt.
73. Stood in Times Square.
74. Toured the Everglades.
75. Been fired from a job.
76. Seen the changing of the guard in London.
77. Broken a bone.
78. Been on a speeding motorcycle.
79. Seen the Grand Canyon in person.
80. Published a book.
81. Been to the Vatican.
82. Bought a brand new car.
83. Walked in Jerusalem.
84. Had your picture in the paper.
85. Read the entire Bible.
86. Visited the White House.
87. Killed and prepared an animal for eating.
88. Had chicken pox.
89. Saved someone's life.
90. Sat on a jury.
91. Met someone famous.
92. Joined a book club.
93. Lost a loved one.
94. Had a baby.
95. Seen the Alamo in person.
96. Swum in the Great Salt Lake.
97. Been involved in a lawsuit.
98. Owned a cell phone.
99. Been stung by a bee.
100. Read an entire book in one day.

Thanks George Dub-yah


No, we didn't brave the cold or the record crowds to attend the inauguration. Instead, we stayed tucked in our warm house about 6 miles from the Capitol Building. However, we were privy to the sights and sounds of the many low-flying military helicopters and various aircraft hovering in our area and all around D.C. This was especially exciting for the boys.

I was disappointed with the "boos" and catcalls I heard when President Bush was announced on the Capitol platform. I further disapproved of the subtle digs displayed in the speeches of Senator Feinstein and President Obama. Since the battle for Obama has produced a victory for him and his supporters, I mistakenly believed that a semblance of class would be demonstrated by these individuals. However, I was impressed with the grace and dignity of the Bush family as they bid a final farewell to Washington, embracing their predecessors and appearing to have a clean conscience regarding what lay behind them.

I will be the first to admit that Bush's presidency was not perfect. There were definitely mistakes made. We are in a mess of a war and the economy is horrendous. I need look no further than to my overpriced, over mortgaged, unwanted home in southern Arizona for the evidence of a failing economy. Yet, I do feel I owe President Bush a debt of gratitude. He accomplished the three tasks that mean the most to me as an American. He kept us safe after 9/11, he upheld the sanctity of marriage, and he stood strong on his value of human life with his anti-abortion position. I appreciate his acknowledgement of God's hand in his daily life and respect the choices he made as our commander and chief. I wish President Obama well and I truly hope he can establish the utopia that so many believe he has the ability to create. I respect the office of president and pray for the safety and guidance of any human being crazy enough to aspire to such a position.

Thank you President Bush, we will miss you in Washington. Unfortunately, we might be the only ones.

Show and Tell: O Christmas Tree

It's show and tell time! This is my Christmas tree.


You might think that I am showing and/or telling something not current, but you'd be mistaken. (Admittedly, the picture was taken nearer Christmas. I have no idea who those people are, but it's my tree.)

You see, my tree is still up. It looks substantially the same. It's been up for a whole month, and given that it's a store-bought tree, I am amazed at its longevity. Of course, I got it a nice stand. I water it. When it first got settled in, I gave it sugar. I decorated it lovingly with lights and glass ornaments and an angel (that's an awesome angel, no?). And every year - when we remember - my husband and I give each other an ornament for the tree. This year, I got him a set of antique silver blown-glass balls (they're probably colored with mercury, actually*), and he forgot. I think one is visible in the picture. Last year, I forgot, but he got me a beautiful folk art glass ornament handpainted with the Madonna and child.

There's just one problem. I love my tree so. It's my first real tree (I've had an itty-bitty tabletop-sized one before, but that wasn't really big enough to decorate. And by real, I don't mean I had fake ones; I just can't love them, so I've done without in years I couldn't get a live one). And I don't want to let it go. It hasn't shedded much yet (and it's on a hardwood floor, so it's easy to sweep). I know I have to put it on the curb, but I can't bear to.

How do I say goodbye to my tree that I love?

*I don't go in for the "aren't we lucky we can do x we don't have kids" logic with any sincerity pretty much ever, but I admit to one exception: if I had small children, I couldn't have glass ornaments, and certainly not mercury glass. And I really like them.

IF Silence

I was thinking. From what I can tell, the women in the IF blogosphere have female peers and friends IRL. But they're not infertile friends, not people going through the same thing. And also, the lovely IF ladies obviously have developed strong friendships with other IFers online.

I haven't made any close friends in the blogoworld (though I just got here, and already there are many whose adventures I follow with interest and fellow feeling). But I definitely don't have friends with whom I talk about infertility in my real life. Let's do the inventory.

(1) her husband and mine are friends. She has two kids but struggled very much for both (and definitely wants more). It obviously took a toll on her, but I found out before I was married and I wasn't in the boat yet. She and I would never have been best friends and knew each other only slightly, but I'm still impressed with how open she was with her struggles - in a way that didn't seem strange. Then her family moved. I haven't talked to her since.

(2) one of my profs! She got married after I met her. I know they don't have kids yet and really want them, but we're not friends.

(3) one of my classmates. She had been married three years and never used bc. She opened up to me once (in my first year of marriage - I didn't really know I was IF yet). I found out she'd been married 3 years, no bc, no nfp, and nothing - and had never consulted a doctor, and didn't want to b/c it might stress her husband, who was looking for a job. I entreated her to in case she was really sick. I called her a few times (she lives on the other coast) after I was definitely IF and felt like I'd like someone to share with. I thought she'd feel the same and couldn't tell when she called back. I called again some weeks later. She never returned the call and I haven't called since. Not going to stalk.

(4) another wife of a (very close) friend of DH. Lovely woman, I think she's great. But they've not even been married a year. I know her endo is worse than mine and she's a few years older. But I don't feel like she has a right to be in this "club" yet when I've had to suffer in it for so long (yes, I'm psycho) and the one time I mentioned how so much treatment for motherhood (hello! Second-oldest profession) seemed so unnatural and really bothered me, she said she was a nurse and it didn't bother her. This is reasonable, but zero connection, and I don't need to be condescended to, which is clearly the next step. Never going to discuss this again.

(5) another classmate. She had never had kids in a fourteen-year marriage. A mutual friend had mentioned she and her husband couldn't have kids and wanted to adopt. I brought up once that I was infertile. She never took the bait. Never mind.

(6) another classmate. She's been married 11 years. Can't tell whether she and the husband are waiting on purpose but it sure doesn't seem likely. She's given me (unwanted, medically unsound, but graciously offered) advice on my infertility, but never said a word about her situation. Supposedly, we were very good friends, but she's very reserved. She didn't bring it up, so I never asked.

(7) a small handful of other classmates who graduated with a few years married and no kids. Couldn't tell whether they were waiting on purpose and we've lost frequent contact. No point raising the matter now.

So, I'm no different. If it's really 1/7 of couples, I must know lots of infertile couples - maybe even several of similar age and similar values to mine. But I don't talk about IF with any real-life friends (OK, with the obvious exception of the many non-IF people who ask).

I hardly have a great following, but anyone who is reading, I'd really like to know: is this your experience too? Do you have any insight as to why this is?

Joy

(Yes, I know. Again with the DID.)

I've spent the past few days at a conference, and today I noticed in particular one of the women who was taking care of registration and sign-ins and so forth for those attending. She had an instantaneous and genuine smile for everyone. I think it actually made the room brighter.

There's a picture of me (I still have it somewhere) from when I was in college. I was "tabling" in the student center for a club, distributing literature, and one of my dorm-mates had stopped by. He was not particularly sympathetic to my cause, but made a show of looking over the information we had and promising to give it serious consideration. Somebody snapped a picture of me talking to him. Seeing it later (I hadn't realized it was being taken), I knew that my huge smile was because I was laughing at something he had said. But my face was lit up brilliantly - the whole picture glowed with my happiness. Like the woman at the conference.

Recently, here and there, I've stumbled on a picture of myself from just a few years ago, and I've been struck by what I saw. I'm not saying I've become Mary-Kate Olsen. But in those pictures, I can see that there was something in my face, in my smile, that's missing now. Not youth only - innocence. Lightness. Joy. The woman I met today actually made my day better by her joyfulness.

I think I used to have that, too. And I'm going to get it back.

Rage

If it weren't for shamelessly stealing the ideas of others, I'd have nothing to say at all. So, without further ado, I present my latest theft: this post on "baby rage" by Megan at INfertile Myrtle. You, non-existent person, MUST read it.

Her stages of grieving are apropos, too, except (1) how do you grieve for something that's not gone yet? I know, giving up totally on the idea of having a baby and then being surprised by one (should that occur) would make my life more peaceful, but I'm not sure I could swing sleepwalking through fertility treatments. And I'm not sure I'm prepared to forswear them altogether before I've really tried; and (2) I don't want to go back to depression/sadness. I feel like such a miserable failure already. At least at the anger (ahem, rage) stage I feel tough. Rotten things have happened to me, but I'm not curling up and crying, not me! No, I'm taking on the wretched world. Take that, unfair world!

Except I seem to be taking all the hits in this fight. Well, maybe I'll figure out how to let go and just be miserable again.

When I Grow Up

My old boss (at a job with a one-year term for which I had not yet found a successor job) used to say that I should let him know when I had decided "what I want to do when I grow up." I found a next job - and then another, and I'm planning to stick with this one for a while - but his larger point was correct.

I have no idea what I want to do when I grow up. In my interview for the job I now have, I was asked, "Where do you see yourself in ten years?" It's not a bad question. I studiously did not explain about the rambling Victorian farmhouse on the outskirts of a quaint village, with a dozen children and a roaring fire and a couple of golden retrievers. Consequently, I had no coherent answer at all. Blessedly, they seemed not to notice how badly I was stumped, and the conversation meandered smoothly along.

But I was inspired by shinejil's post on seizing her dreams and accomplishing some of her life's goals to think more about what I dream for myself if I never have children, or maybe regardless of whether I have children. Because I think part of the destructiveness of the IF is spending so many good years just waiting for something we can't control. Another part is mortgaging so much of our identity to the idea of motherhood. Motherhood is beautiful and wonderful and necessary - not, I hope, to our survival; but intrinsic to womanhood, I think. But it's not the entire story, or every woman's story would be one sentence long and they would all be the same story. They aren't. The IF struggle and misery deserve a chapter, maybe a long one (whether or not the next chapter is "Pregnancy"); but they don't deserve the whole book.

What else am I? And why do I feel in such danger of losing my grip on it?

Show and Tell: The Facts of Life

This is my first time participating in Show and Tell, so I'm probably going to screw up the linking and gadgetry badly. But I think this is highly entertaining, period, so it's still worthwhile.

I think that one of the things that characterizes IF is a wee bit of confusion about the facts of life - both being confronted with other people who don't understand some fairly basic science (how many people have I told that having sex is not necessarily all it takes to get pregnant? Here's me, not pregnant. I know whereof I speak), and with our bodies, which apparently need to take 9th grade health again from scratch.

So here's the introductory lesson - not a picture from my life, maybe, but something I watch over and over again, because I enjoy it so. (Not obscene, and no strong language.)

Today I am a Hero

in the movie of my life. You, my non-existent audience, will surely celebrate with me.

Last night I went to a "girls' night in." [N.B.: The near-universal failure to use the necessary apostrophe drives me crazy - and yet I nearly omitted it myself. What have I become?!] Attendees all between about twenty-two and thirty. I was told to expect some married, some single, some expecting, maybe some engaged. This was basically accurate. There were five married women there. (As you've already guessed, I was the only one who didn't have kids. Two were even expecting!) Our charming hostesses - who really were lovely and charming - are all single girls in their mid-twenties. And as we were all grabbing something to drink and waiting for the pizza to arrive, someone said, "Now we can tell who's expecting" based on whether the other ladies poured a glass of wine or not. She was just being cute. She's about 24 and single. No ill intentions at all, and she was referring to her friends from college (I had just met her). But I could see, as clear as day, where this would end up.

So, with cheerful expression and tone, I briefly interrupted the patter of conversation to note that, before I should be suspected, I'm not expecting - I just don't drink. There were no funny stares or strange expressions. I didn't have to shift around for something to say and want to slither away. It was pretty easy.

Now, I don't know whether it was connected, but not one person asked me why I didn't have children, or when I was planning to come up with some, all night! I didn't even get pointed stares when people were talking about their little ones.

Things like that should be so easy, but they usually seem impossible. So, I am enjoying my theoretical Trophy of Brilliance and Courage. I've earned it.

Spiritual Motherhood

I mentioned in a previous post the idea of spiritual motherhood. The idea is that the virtues that go with being maternal can be exercised by those who don't have children at all, and by women (with or without children) in arenas other than just caring for children. This makes a lot of sense to me. (In case you hadn't gathered, I'm of the firm persuasion that women and men are different. And while many women see that idea as a badge of inferiority, I can't remember a time at any age when I'd have wanted to be a boy. How was it not best to be just what I was?)

I assume I'm not the only one who's observed that women with kids - let's say at the age of 50 - are generally, though not without exception, different from women who don't have kids. I guess, overall, they're just less about themselves. Less self-doubting. Less self-conscious. Less selfish. And there are absolutely exceptions in both directions. But that's something I've seen. And one of the things that scares me about IF is that I might become a fragile, never-quite-grew-up woman if I get to grandmother age (and BTW, I don't mean 50! That's not grandmother age - just ask my mother) and never have kids. It's not that I think the childlessness will outright cause it (although I think the kids would prevent it). But that my bitterness will make me brittle and unhappy and self-obsessed. And then I won't be proud of whom I've become. Is this crazy? I don't know, it seems kind of sane.

Anyway, here's JPII on spiritual motherhood, from his Letter to Women. He says:

Progress usually tends to be measured according to the criteria of science and technology. Nor from this point of view has the contribution of women been negligible. Even so, this is not the only measure of progress, nor in fact is it the principal one. Much more important is the social and ethical dimension, which deals with human relations and spiritual values. In this area, which often develops in an inconspicuous way beginning with the daily relationships between people, especially within the family, society certainly owes much to the "genius of women".

Here I would like to express particular appreciation to those women who are involved in the various areas of education extending well beyond the family: nurseries, schools, universities, social service agencies, parishes, associations and movements. Wherever the work of education is called for, we can note that women are ever ready and willing to give themselves generously to others, especially in serving the weakest and most defenceless. In this work they exhibit a kind of affective, cultural and spiritual motherhood which has inestimable value for the development of individuals and the future of society. At this point how can I fail to mention the witness of so many Catholic women and Religious Congregations of women from every continent who have made education, particularly the education of boys and girls, their principal apostolate? How can I not think with gratitude of all the women who have worked and continue to work in the area of health care, not only in highly organized institutions, but also in very precarious circumstances, in the poorest countries of the world, thus demonstrating a spirit of service which not
infrequently borders on martyrdom?
These ideas draw substantially from Edith Stein's essay "The Ethos of Women's Professions," which also appears in Woman (which I discussed before). Here's a snippet:

Woman naturally seeks to embrace that which is living, personal, and whole. To cherish, guard, protect, nourish and advance growth is her natural, maternal yearning. Lifeless matter, the fact, can hold primary interest for her only insofar as it serves the living and the personal, not ordinarily for its own sake. Relevant to this is another matter: abstraction in every sense is alien to the feminine nature. The living and personal to which her care extends is a concrete whole and is protected and encouraged as a totality; this does not mean that one part is sacrificed to another, not the mind to the body or one spiritual faculty at the expense of the others. She aspires to this totality in herself and in others. Her theoretical and her practical views correspond; her natural line of thought is not so much conceptual and analytical as it is directed intuitively and emotionally to the concrete. This natural endowment enables woman to guard and teach her own children. But this basic attitude is not intended just for them; she should behave in this way also to her husband and to all those in contact with her.

Baby Steps

(Ha, ha.) So I made an appointment for an annual exam (this will be the first OB I've seen in a year). That's pretty low-key, but I think it's my entrance back into being In Treatment for IF. I'm apprehensive already, and the appointment is in March. Between now and then, though, I guess I can just go about trying to live my life.

Also, a digression. Because it seems to give them reason to get up in the morning, I know that at some point a doctor is going to tell me that I need to Change Something (not my medication, but my life) or I will never have a child. I don't smoke or drink, or even drink coffee, so they're going to have to get creative. Actually, I already know what it will be. I'm not overweight, but I've gained 10-15 pounds in the last three years-ish. Before that, my clothes fit better and I just felt better generally. I've lost a few in the past few months, and I'm shooting for ten total - getting more exercise and eating healthier, trying to be in better shape. Now, I know I'm not overweight. I've done the anorexia thing myself, so spare me; (relatively) thin people can try to optimize their fitness and weight without being head cases.

Although a rational person would agree to this statement in the abstract, however, I defy anybody to find me an adult woman who will agree to it in any particular case. Well-meaning fertile women have already suggested that I gain five pounds - it worked like magic for them, they got pregnant right away! I've weighed ten pounds more. I did not get pregnant. And you're not infertile. But thank you for playing.

I concede, nobody has yet denied me treatment unless I gain ten pounds. It's probably too early to be angry about it. But this whole issue makes me angry in general. And I do understand that the culture is far meaner to the overweight. I've gotten a window into a world by reading this blog. I can't generally use the sale suggestions, but I think the writing is just fabulous and I enjoy it heartily. But the ridiculous web of criticism, revision, and lies into which women force other women about their weight is insane. As a culture, we should be institutionalized. What, on earth, is up with that?

Loneliness

So I've been thinking. Generally, when I'm depressed, I'm very depressed indeed, and when I'm busy or distracted, I assume that I'm fine. (And sometimes this is true.) It requires me taking a step back to see what things are really missing in my life. I tend to do this more when I'm depressed, which skews the results a little, but I've always found that unhappiness or unrest is a great goad to self-evaluation.

My conclusion is that two big things are missing in my life.

First, I don't have enough close girlfriends. I love my husband and we're terrifically close and I get to spend a lot of time with him. But all the other people we spend time with are pretty close friends but not very close - and few of them are women and none of those are really "bosom friends," you know. I do have good girlfriends, they're sort of all over the country (and other countries). But none with whom I feel that I share my day-to-day existence. I would benefit from the company of more women.

Second, people are not demanding nearly enough of me. I don't mean that I stare at the wall at work (I don't) or that I am never swamped in social obligations (this happens often, but I feel just as lonely - see above) or that I cannot fill my time. I can always fill my time. I fill it with nonsense, which I generally enjoy. However. I moved here almost six months ago and nobody needs me. When I walk out of church, somebody ought to notice that I'm an adult, married, have my own car, don't have children to look after, and show up there fairly frequently, and am just crying out to be pressed into service to do something, possibly several things, possibly something every night of the week. The rest of it is my fault. Charities at which I might like to volunteer cannot fairly be expected to find me. I need to go looking - I am sure there are many who would love to have some of my time. There are lots of things I'd like to do, from pro bono legal work to helping at a soup kitchen or a shelter. But I got busy with social engagements and work and haven't.

I guess what I mean is that part of what makes the longing for a family so acute is that there's a whole side of my personality with which I'm not doing anything. Because I don't have babies to care for, I've thrown my energy into very different, more self-focused and less nurturing activities. In particular, that means building my career - whether that just happened that way or is some sort of cutting-off-my-nose-to-spite-my-face type revenge against the world or God or someone who is irritating me, I can't entirely say. Maybe both. Probably both.

I'm not suggesting that the hole in my heart where the love for all the little babies should be isn't real, or that it would be filled and smoothed over if I only visited nursing homes and got a dog. It's real, all right, and it's not going away. But, I don't need to wear away at the edges of it until it becomes the Grand Canyon of babylessness.

A Good Day

Carrying on with my theme that I am a closet schizophrenic, I hereby announce that today is a Good Day. I drone on and on (not at huge length here yet, but give me time) about the fact that all I have from which to derive fulfillment is my job, and it's a job, and I want a family. HOWEVER. Today something small happened at said job that so delighted me that I will be walking on air at least the rest of the day, possibly all week (but no promises).

How to explain. Well, see, I've been working on a piece of writing for my boss that will probably be published. It was all his idea, and he has the big name, especially in this field, but I worked really hard on it. And although I understood the contrary when I started, I found out today that he may publish it with me listed as a co-author! I just enjoyed the writing, but getting my name on the by-line would be HUGE. I don't have anything published yet, and I really should, and I think this is a really good piece. I'm SO EXCITED.

Suffused with the resulting glow, I arrived home this evening with the energy to tackle my latest project: attempting to make one of the fabulous soups served at the absolutely best lunch place in the entire world. (It is not worth a trip to downtown Detroit, but it will redeem one that could not otherwise be avoided.) This particular attempt was directed at their Greek Lemon Chicken soup.* (I have already made copies of the African Peanut Chicken - a very good copy if I do say so myself - and the Creamy Chicken and Wild Rice, a decent copy.) It worked beautifully, with some help from my Joy of Cooking, the (amateur) cook's Bible and encyclopedia. I've lost the patience for obedience in cooking (I still largely obey in baking) and largely flit about on sometimes-successful inspiration, but Joy anchors me in good sense and good solid science. With apologies to all deserving parties, here is the recipe:

In large pot, combine:
  • 1 cup uncooked white rice
  • 8 cups water and 4 chicken bouillon cubes
    OR 8 cups tasty chicken stock
  • approx. 1 t cornstarch (optional - makes it thicker)
  • some fun seasonings - I used 1/8 t cracked pepper and 1/4 t dried oregano, or you could do parsley

Cook according to usual rice directions even though you have too much liquid. In other words, with normal rice, bring to boil, then cover and cook 15 minutes on low. Your silly Minute Rice has directions on the back.

Meanwhile, dice approximately one pound of chicken breast fillet and cook it just until done through (i.e. no pink). Mild seasoning optional. (For example, you might start with a tablespoon of butter and add two tablespoons of ranch or other creamy dressing when it's about half done.)

When the time on the rice is up, whisk together:

  • 4 raw eggs
  • 1/2 cup lemon juice (or, juice of two lemons; or, one
    plastic lemon full)

Take a few spoonfuls of the hot broth (you know, that the rice is in) and stir it into the egg. Then pour the egg into the broth and rice and stir quickly. Then add the chicken and heat everything on very low heat for maybe five minutes. Season with salt and pepper to taste.

It seems to me that cooking adventures - not cooking in general, but cooking adventures - are properly associated with soldiering through the valleys of life. I cite two pieces of evidence for this proposition: this blog that I shamelessly stole from Stirrup Queen Mel's "favorite blog" link, and this Frasier episode (in three parts). You should watch it. Especially if, like Frasier, you're in mourning.

*This is properly called Avgolemono. ~The Internet