Infertility and Treatment
While I am not pleased that this has to be a category of endeavor for my year (or any other year), this is the life I was given. Blooms and thorns, it's a gift, and I need to be responsible enough to live it well. While I've never been given a detailed diagnosis of reasons for infertility (Dr. L/C just thinks it's the endo - likely true), I think I've finally come up with one of my own, so part of 2011 is to test, diagnose, and treat the things I've decided I should be addressing. In 2011, I will:
- identify the latest cyst
- determine for sure whether I am ovulating (or have LUFS)
- if I have LUFS, quit Aleve and other NSAIDs long enough to see whether this helps (ah, 2011...the year of pain)
- have another HSG (I know), this time during my fertile phase (screw you, stupid doctor preferences) so it doesn't batter my cervix as much and mess up my CM again; and see whether either tube is open
- if I have no open tubes and that cyst is something suspicious, have my first laparoscopy that's not accompanied by a laparotomy
- start injections of HCG and see whether it improves my hormone levels
- add femara if it looks like my cycle needs more help after HCG
- get my husband to take the generic proxeed (already ordered) when I start on the HCG
- visit another RE (appointment scheduled for March) and get a second opinion (well, third - the second opinion is mine!)
- if I am not pregnant by December 2011, make my peace with infertility for good
I can't keep showing up at my job and just doing my assignments for the day. I am unsatisfied with my progress and I need to do something about it before it becomes a major source of unhappiness. I think the IF and its attendant big hurtful failures, as well as the small daily failure of being a woman whose body does not work to create new life, has made me extremely gun-shy. I don't want to put myself out there in life - apply for something I might not get, try something I may not be able to do. But, as they say, you lose every round you don't play. In 2011, I will:
- write a law review article. For real, this time. By the end of January, I will collect the major legal sources I'm writing about, and write an outline
- check every law school in the area as to whether they employ working attorneys as adjunct faculty, and apply to all those that do by August 15
I've spent too much of my life planning to reconnect with people, take trips, or make the people I love a priority in my life, later. I have decided that 2011 is the year of Later is Now. I've already made a substantial start on this priority in December 2010, but in 2011:
- at least once each month, I will reach out to a dear friend with whom I have not spoken recently
- at least once each quarter, I will travel to visit a friend or family member I have not seen in five years or more
- unless I have an important reason not to, I will accept invitations to see people I love even if I am required to travel (to weddings, birthday parties in different cities, etc.)
- I will attend at least two alumni functions for my undergraduate alma mater
Sometimes when I reflect on my life and where I think it should be, I realize that what matters most to me is the summation of all the little things, which can be easy to overlook. I think an investment in improving some of the little things would be handsomely repaid. Therefore, in 2011, I will:
- cook or bake something for my wee household at least once a week (I've been pulling this off like a trooper starting in October 2010, and it makes me happy)
- learn a new recipe once a month
- every month, clean something in my house I have never cleaned before (culling overgrown collections of things will count for this purpose)
- run or take a long walk at least three times a week (I've been pretty good about doing this the last several months, and I need to keep it up)
- start seeing a therapist/counselor/psychologist/what-have-you (my husband started seeing someone in December already, and I am so grateful for this development and hopeful for its potential for healing for us)
This is the hardest section for me to write. Of all my massive comprehensive resolutions for 2010 that I refuse to recap now - the faith-related ones were the dismal failures. I accomplished resolutions that are usually deadweight - losing weight, getting exercise, etc. But as far as the prayer and spirituality-related resolutions, not only did I not fulfill them, in most cases I made not even a start. Worse than failure. Making similar resolutions for 2011 would not be some virtuous act if it similarly leads to no accomplishment and massive guilt. But affirmatively planning to make no improvement when plenty of improvement is needed sounds like a mistake as well. So, with substantial doubts and misgivings, in 2011, I plan to:
- go to confession once a month
- pray the Angelus (or Regina Caeli) at noon as often as I can remember
- continue seeing my spiritual director
- finish my St. Therese book, the St. Catherine of Siena book, and read the Psalms start to finish
- say at least one novena to St. Catherine of Siena (my saint for the year) and one to the Infant of Prague (who has been stalking me)
- register at a parish
- offer to volunteer somewhere, doing something (whether they take me or not...not my problem)
- make a visit to the nearby chapel once a week, even if only for five minutes
Here's to a 2011 that avoids the sadnesses and pitfalls of 2010, even if it manages to come up with entirely new ones.
